Shopping wars: Bella vs Alice!
by KrazyboutLara
Summary: We all know how much Alice loves shopping. What if Bella didn't want to go with her...
1. Chapter 1

**I finished reading a story about Alice's shopping habits and decided to try one.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned. They are all the property of Stephenie Meyers. I am simply borrowing them for the story.**

It was just about an hour away and Bella was on the verge of collapse. It was 11 p.m. on a Saturday. She had gotten barely two hours of sleep but she had just spent the last two weeks planning this devilish prank. Of course, she meant no genuine harm but Alice was immortal so a prank or two couldn't possibly hurt her in any physical sense. She did make sure that her plot to drive Alice Cullen up the wall couldn't be compromised. She had the plans written in her own secret code to make it hard for Alice to predict her future actions. Bella also took care to smear garlic on the padlock to the chest containing the plans so it'd be painful for Alice to pry open. The idea had popped into her head because Alice, the biggest shopaholic west of the Mississippi, made the mistake of getting an Amex Centurion card. She was driving Carlisle up the wall when he found out about the annual $3,000 membership fee. On the other hand, she threatened to mutiny if deprived of her ability to shop till she dropped. Carlisle decided to risk it but, to his absolute horror, the creditors at Amex LOVED Alice. They decided to send her the fercrissakes thing for FREE! He had not been the same ever since and swore that he was now slowly becoming mortal. He recalled with horror the day the card arrived. So loudly did Alice shriek with delight that Esme wound up having to replace half of the house's windows because they were cracked. Bella's father, Charlie, knowing her scary shopping addiction, immediately asked Bella to get as much garlic as possible from the local store. It had nothing to do with Edward. In fact, he had come to accept him because he saved Bella's life. Charlie planned to smear it around the windows upstairs to keep Alice away. Alice wouldn't be deterred so easily for she had seen a vision of him sending her to the store for garlic. Bella forgetting to tell Charlie about Alice's visions was a fatal mistake on her part. Worse, Alice made sure she wore plastic gloves and goggles each time she sneaked over so she could pry open Bella's window.

Bella shuddered when she remembered THAT visit. Alice was so hyper that Bella wondered if there was such thing as caffeinated blood. Hmm, might have to get that patented. I'm sure there are other vampires who could use it. She was lying in bed, trying to catch up on homework when Alice burst into the room. "Damn it, Alice!" she screamed, falling off the bed. "You could be nice enough to text me before you show up!" "Oh, don't be a fuddy duddy!" She was trembling with delight and holding something black in her hand. Bella swore her friend's feet had not touched the floor the whole time. "Um, what is that in your hand?" "Oh, they finally sent it to me, isn't it cool!?" She tossed it at her. Bella stared. It was real, the card was solid titanium and pretty hefty. Bella realized her time in hell was going to begin pretty soon. If she was lucky, she might be able to find Charlie's service revolver and shoot herself before the shopping season began. Alice was now a blur and all Bella could see was stuff flying everywhere. She ignored Bella, who groaned "Alice. What… the… frig… are… you… doing?" She finally came across it: the one thing Bella prized most: her Nokia phone. It might sound like a trivial thing but Bella was, in some ways, like the other teenage girls at Forks High. She couldn't live or breathe without her cell phone. Charlie was still mad at her for accidentally destroying two cell phones and told her if she broke this one, it was bye-bye cell phone. Alice flashed an evil grin. "Bella, have you heard of Metrotown? It's just awesome!" Bella's heart nearly stopped. Living in Washington, no teenage girl would pass up a chance to go there. It was across the border but that didn't deter the die-hard shoppers like Alice. Situated in the heart of Burnaby, it was one of the biggest shopping malls in the world. Alice tossed the brochure on the bed. _Uh oh!_ Bella thought. She didn't have time to process the next thought because Alice beat her to it. "You have a new assignment. You are to memorize the location of the mall. We will set aside two days (_TWO?! Holy s***!_) to shop. You will not need your truck. I'll bring the truck around." Bella thought for a second that her heart had skipped a beat or two. (_Truck? She can't be serious_.) Alice patted her on the cheeks, her icy palms snapping Bella out of her mind-wandering thoughts. "Bella, I know you want to be one of us pretty badly. I have some good juicy photos that will keep poor Edward from doing that if you don't do what I tell you." Bella glared. What could she possibly have that would make Edward… Alice read her thoughts and beat her to it again. She tossed the videotape on the bed. "And don't think about burning it. I have several copies as insurance. Oh, and if you *conveniently* oversleep or forget to be dressed and ready by 3 a.m…" "EXCUSE ME!? 3 AM!?" Bella shouted. Alice ignored her again. "I'll run over the phone with my car." Bella glared. "I'll smear garlic on your precious card and your BMW if you…" Alice beat her to it _again. _(_Damn it! Is there anything she doesn't know?)_ "Remember the party we attended in Port Angeles?" "Yeah. So, they were serving beer but I didn't drink any. Remember?" Bella wondered where she was going with this. "I recall that your bikini was the perfect shade for Photoshopping." Bella's stomach dropped out. _Damn, shouldn't have worn the light brown swimsuit but I had nothing else available that day. _Alice tossed a manila envelope on the bed. She dared herself to peak at one of the pics._ (Oh, my, God. Jacob and Eric will murder each other for just one picture.) _For a solid minute, Bella was too stunned to speak. She grumbled "You win. I'll be up at whatever time you want." Alice actually jumped up and crushed her in a bear hug, planting a sloppy kiss on her cheek. "Owww! My arms!" "Oops, sorry. Can't help it, you know, vampire powers! Hee hee! Don't forget, 3 a.m. sharp! See ya!"

Bella's arms were still sore from Alice's bear hug. She even felt some pain in her back. Pushing the button on her Baby-G watch, she groaned. The lit face declared it was 2:35 a.m. Alice probably would be here early. A knock on the window snapped her attention away from the watch. Damn. "Um Alice, it's a bit too early…" Alice glared at her and waved the envelope. Bella hung her head and meekly crawled out. Little did Alice know that, Forks being a tiny town, Bella had intercepted the mail before it could reach Jacob and Eric. She burned the photos but replaced them with cheap baseball cards so Alice wouldn't be the wiser. Alice picked her up and hoisted her on her back. She ran to the north section of town where the vehicle was waiting. Bella couldn't believe it. "Alice, you can't be serious." "I am." She dropped her and climbed into the massive Ryder truck. "Does Carlisle know about…" "Yep but he won't do anything about it." "Okay. That's it. Give me my phone so I can call and make sure you haven't done anything to him." Alice sighed but wouldn't let Bella have _everything_ her way. She dialed the house and held it out. Bella struggled for a few minutes while Esme sounded like a fool going "Who is this? Um, Bella? Is that you?" Alice's fingers might as well have been carved from solid steel. Bella gave up trying to pry her phone out of Alice's hand and pressed her ear up against it. "Oh, hi Esme. I just wanted to talk to Carlisle." "Oh, don't worry, he's fine." "No, Esme. Put him on the phone NOW." To her surprise, Esme didn't argue and heard the phone clunk on the kitchen counter as she ran to get him. "Oh, Bella! Don'tworryaboutanything! Youtwogoandhavefun!" Something was wrong, he was TOO chipper and was talking too quickly. Before Bella could say anything else, Alice hung up. "Hey! He was talking…" "Nope, I'm not stupid. I've had plenty of time to plan for this." (_Yeah, right. And so have I.)_

The drive was uneventful except for the occasional state trooper that Alice evaded. Bella gaped, wondering how the vampire could maneuver such a huge, bulky truck around like a go-kart. Alice read her thoughts and said "I had someone modify it a bit so it can go faster. The truck has new tires, a stiffer suspension and the guy even turbocharged the engine! We'll cut our driving time by two hours!" Bella felt her stomach grumble. Alice wouldn't even let her eat. "Um, Alice. Still human." Alice sighed, knowing Bella was right. She'd be dead weight (no pun intended) if she didn't eat and this was going to be a two-day shopping spree. Still, she wanted to be past the Canadian border before sunrise. Fortunately, they predicted three days of rain so it wouldn't give away her vampire qualities easily. She had taken time to smear on some thick makeup. She also applied it to her hands. It would help mask the sparkling skin if the sun hit her (a/n: why didn't the Cullens do this when Forks didn't have rainy days?).

It was going to be a massive shopping season and the cars were already piling up at the border. She pulled into a Racetrac station but wasn't taking any chances. "Ow, wow! Please lighten the grip a little. You know I can't outrun you even if I drove the stupid ugly truck!" Alice's fingers felt like a steel vise. "You are getting take-out. No exceptions." Bella groaned, her plan had gone out the window. Alice tightened the grip again. "Ow! Why?" "That's your punishment for thinking about escaping. If you think of any more escape attempts, I'm sending another copy of those pics to an address you won't want to know." Bella gaped and finally, hung her head as they stepped inside. Back in the truck, she sheepishly munched on her scrambled egg and ham biscuit and burned her lips on the coffee while Alice loudly cursed the traffic clogging the border. It didn't help either that Alice had a vision of long lines leading to Metrotown. It took them nearly 40 minutes to get past the border patrol but they were finally on their way up Highway 1 into Burnaby. Bella finished her breakfast and immediately went to sleep. Alice pulled left on Kingsway and finally, they reached Metrotown. She shook Bella awake. Bella groaned. NEVER in her life had she seen so much traffic. The cars and buses were backed up from Marlborough to Randoph Ave. They couldn't even go one city block off the highway. Alice inched forwards, gritting her teeth as they waited for the traffic to enter the parking lot. 19 minutes later, they were finally inside. The guard directing traffic tried to stop her. "Ma'am. You cannot park that here." Alice jumped from the cab and got VERY close to him. He saw her eyes up close and backed off with a whimper. She climbed back in and drove around the lot, looking for a parking spot. Fortunately, some fool had chosen to drive, of all things, a MINI COOPER (A/N: nothing against MINIs; I own one and so does Kristen Stewart!). She bumped the car out of the parking spot with the truck and shut the engine off. Before they got going, Alice had one last important thing to do. She reached under the seat and pulled out two cans of Red Bull. Bella rolled her eyes. "Alice, I don't think it works on vampires." "Who said I was going to drink it?" Bella's eyes nearly fell out. She tried to open the door but, in one second, Alice had her seatbelt to hold her down. She pinned her by sitting in her lap and pried her head back. Cracking open the first can, she forced the contents down Bella's throat. After letting out a small belch, Bella groaned, wondering how hard she would crash tonight. Alice immediately popped the second open and poured it down her throat, threatening to bite her if she resisted any further. "Trust me, you're gonna need it." She then kissed her on the cheek and leaped out of the cab. "And if you vomit it up, I have some spare cans in the cargo bay." Bella meekly followed the pixie vampire to the entrance.

Bella groaned. It was still dark outside but there was already a crowd at the entrance because it was the post-New Year's sale and Alice was the only one with an Amex Centurion card. Even Carlisle's deep pockets were going to ache when the bill came. Bella groaned and did some math in her head, trying to calculate the damage Alice might do. Carlisle would have a massive headache for sure. Esme would be begging the creditors for mercy. Maybe telling a story to the Volturi or Aro would make them come assassinate Alice. A sharp jab in the ribs broke her concentration. She realized she was looking at the ground and meekly turned to her left. Alice's eyes said it all: she knew what was going through her mind and she mouthed the word: pictures. Bella fumed and redirected her glare to the ground. Her knees and hands were shaking violently as the Red Bull began to kick in.

Even though the mall would be opening two hours early, she was pretty high up north and freezing her butt off. Alice had yanked her from the room so quickly that she had forgotten her jacket. Alice being dead, Bella couldn't hug her to warm up so she stood with her hands in her tight jeans and trembled violently. Even if she was alive, Bella wouldn't hug her for warmth. She didn't need people thinking she was a Lesbian. She did see some people curiously staring because Alice wasn't exhaling fog from her mouth like the others. It was only 30 degrees and Alice wasn't shivering in her T-shirt and shorts either, attracting more stares. The silly girl could have at least tried to dress to blend in. After all, being dead, she wouldn't sweat like a pig running around all the shops. Alice's watch finally hit 7:00 and a man unlocked the doors. The shoppers kicked the door in, running him over. With an iron hand clamped on Bella's wrist, Alice used her vampire strength to shove past a few of them. Once inside, she yanked Bella to the first shop, Saks Fifth Avenue. Bella groaned. Alice didn't even hesitate. If she saw something that she liked, her only rule was: is it a New Year's sale item? If it was, she bought it. She was there for only about 9 minutes before Alice yanked her out the door. They never skipped any stores. Alice wanted to see it all: T2 Jewelry, Urban Planet, Reitman's, Belts & buckles, American Apparel, Lucky Jeans, Coach (where she literally bought half the store), Payless Shoes, Oakley and Bebe. They hit every store, winding their way in a counterclockwise direction: HMV music and video, Sterling Shoes, Champs sporting goods, Merle Norman cosmetics, Nike, Coast Mountain sporting goods, Avanti Jewelers and Off the Wall. Alice, to Bella's surprise, even hit Sears in case there were a few tools Carlisle could use in the house. American Express would give its employees the day off after Alice left the mall.

Bella felt herself slowing down. She was on the verge of collapse. Unfortunately, Alice had foreseen this. To Bella's horror, the pixie had another spare can in her purse the whole time. "Mommy, why is she making her drink that?" one kid asked as the vampire clamped an iron hand around the girl's throat and shoved another Red Bull down. The mother, having had bad experiences with the drink, shuddered. She simply ran, basically dragging her daughter with her. Bella felt sick. Because Alice had forced the drink down her throat, the expanding carbonated gases hadn't dissipated. It expanded and she felt like she was going to vomit. Wait, she WAS going to vomit. Bella charged for the first trash can she could see. Her throat felt like flaming gasoline was being ejected as she hurled all the Red Bull up. She nearly collapsed but Alice caught her by the neck. She popped open another can… Bella wished she HAD died trying to ride that motorcycle with Jacob.

The pandemonium went on for what felt like years. Bella found herself struggling to keep up because Alice didn't get tired. She had already burned all the calories from breakfast and was now burning any minute trace of fat left. Only the Red Bull was keeping her from collapsing on the floor. She calculated that her weight had dropped two pounds already because her stomach was growling again. Alice had forced her to skip lunch. They had been going full throttle, nonstop for nearly four hours flat. Alice had JUST finished the sublevel and ground floor. She also was running out of space to carry the bags. She told Bella to rent a cart and take them to the truck, painfully squeezing her wrist to warn her not to try running off. Bella meekly nodded. While Alice terrorized the shopkeepers at Nine West, Bella grunted, tossing the bags into the back of the truck. She estimated that Alice had already hit five-digit numbers on the credit card. It didn't matter, American Express was singing soprano. She heard her cell phone ring. "Bellawherethefrigareyou?!" "Alice, I already put the stuff in the…" She cut her off. "Getyourbutttothesecondfloornowanddon'ttryanythingstupid!" She immediately hung up. Bella groaned. Inspiration struck. Would Alice dare miss the other specials and chase her down? She thought and hemmed and hawed, trying to estimate the odds of death. The risk was massive but she couldn't continue at this rate. This would be enough to scare her off of shopping for eternity. Inspiration struck. She could simply find a fast car to steal. Bella had seen a few stupid car movies and Charlie had dealt with carjacking cases before so she wasn't in the dark about boosting a car.

Walking along the ground level, she searched for a plain-Jane car since the pricey ones would be more likely to have a security ignition cutoff device. She finally came across a well maintained white Chevy pickup. Desperate times called for desperate measures so she used her purse to smash in the window of the cab. Tearing out the ignition with a hammer the fool had left in the bed, she stripped the wires with a nail clipper and tied them together. The truck caught and she peeled out of the parking lot, trying her best to repeat that stupid old song by Right Said Fred. It would make it harder for Alice to read her mind. She stomped on the gas pedal and beat a hasty exit out onto the highway. Still angry at Alice, another idea popped into her head. She found her cell phone and dialed. "Hello? American Express? My name is Alice Cullen…"

What did you think? Please read and review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Hope you enjoyed the first part! Now let's see how bad things get! Please read and review.**

According to the news report, the truck was found abandoned at the US/Canada border. Alice was nowhere to be found so Bella thought she had half a day or so. She was in a cheap, sleazy motel off the interstate, more than an hour from Forks. She sighed as she let the steaming water drizzle down her face. The grime and sweat slid off. Ahh! She wrapped a towel around herself and put another around her hair. Stepping into the room, she started getting dressed. No doubt, she would have a lot of explaining to do but she felt Carlisle and Esme would understand. After all, Alice had to be controlled or she'd have all the Cullens broke and running from the debt collectors, not to mention the tax agencies. She thought about whether she should do it. Her prepaid cell phone was charged and had about 20 minutes preloaded so she could explain enough to Carlisle to get him to have Alice thrown in an asylum before tomorrow (not that it would be the _first_ time for Alice). She picked up the phone and started dialing. Suddenly, the door flew open with a loud bang. Alice was standing in front of her, her eyes crackling with rage. "You… How could you!? My Centurion card was revoked!" she shrieked, throwing the card at her. Bella winced. _(OW! Damn, forgot that the card is made of titanium.)_ Rubbing her forehead, she immediately cooked up one excuse after another.

"Don't blame me. This was YOUR idea!"

"Doesn't mean you have to be so cruel about it!"

"You were out of control from the minute you stepped into the mall!"

"I was not!"

"Excuse me. Alice Cullen, Queen of all Shopaholics talking to me!"

"You're exaggerating now!"

"I am not!"

"Yeah you are!"

"You're worse than Imelda Marcos!"

"I am NOT!! American Express cancelled my card!"

"That's your problem!"

"YOU had something to do with it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did **NOT**!"

"Did too!"

"Give me your credit card!"

"I don't have it with me!"

"You're lying!"

"I am NOT!"

"Yes you are!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Let me use your card or else!"

"Or else what?! You'll torture me? Edward wouldn't like that! It seems someone could use a trip to "Shopaholics Anonymous." Alice's eyes flickered again. Oops, wrong thing to say. In the heat of the moment, Bella had stepped beyond the point of no return. Shopping was a religious experience to Alice. After running out on her, being a major pain in the butt with the shopping, causing Alice to lose her chance to get those Manolo shoes at half price, losing out on the clearance TAG watches, making her hunt for Bella all over the mall when she could be shopping and getting her credit card revoked. On top of all that – she'd been caught hiding in a cheapie motel trying to get hold of Esme or Carlisle since Alice's home phone number was visible on the phone's screen – it was bound to happen sooner or later. Alice Cullen had finally snapped.

She didn't have time to blink even though Alice was eight feet away. Bella felt two hot needles sliding into her neck. She couldn't scream because Alice had a hand over her mouth. She kicked and slapped at her but it might as well have been a fight with a brick wall. She felt the venom oozing into her and could feel the red liquid leaving her neck. It felt like an eternity. _(So this is what it must be like. Will she be able to stop?) _She was feeling light-headed and her arms might as well have been 20-ton bricks. She couldn't even lift her head. Alice fought hard, struggling to slow down. She finally let her fall on top of the bed. Bella flopped around on the bed like a freshly caught fish, the feeling all too familiar. Alice knew she'd be too weak to even get up. She walked downstairs to the truck. In a small cooler, she had kept a few packs of blood just in case. She grabbed three and jumped back up on the balcony. Sitting on top of her, she used her knees to hold the girl's head up and tore open the packet with her teeth. Pinching her nose shut, Alice slowly poured the blood. Bella felt the cold blood enter her throat. Why was Alice doing this? Why now? She couldn't breathe so she had no choice but to swallow. The feeling was horrible, it was like hot acid scraping down her throat as it entered her stomach. She could actually feel her stomach burn up. The world turned hazy, a hilarious, magnificent kaleidoscope of colors. No burned out stoner could imagine the beauty of what Bella was seeing! She felt her heart slow down as the heat coursed through her entire body – the feeling all too familiar. She felt like she had been set on fire. Her heart was very loud but it was slowing down. It skipped a beat or two. Then it ceased but she didn't black out.

Alice had finally caught her composure. She stared at the consequence of her action, unable to move. Bella Swann was dead. Bella Cullen was being born before her very eyes. The hair grew longer but was shinier as well. Her skin was pale but had no wrinkles or blemishes. Her nails were perfect. Alice felt guilt overwhelm her. She shouldn't have gone so far. She originally intended to scare Bella into letting her use the credit card again. Suddenly, she realized this was going to be even better. They could shop anytime, lunch and dinner be damned. She had the perfect shopping partner for life. They would make even the most spoiled princess jealous as hell.

Upon seeing the second bag of blood, Bella snatched it up and ripped it open, sucking the blood out, a lot of it spilling all over her shirt and pants, staining the carpet. She sucked every drop out. Unfortunately, it didn't even begin to quench her thirst. She grabbed the last bag and repeated, spilling even more but she had consumed over three liters. The burning in her stomach finally fizzled out and she was awash with continuous waves of sheer, relentless energy.

"Bella, are you alright?" Bella struggled to her feet. She could see everything in a different way. It was clearer. She actually heard the traffic rushing by, the crickets chirping in the forest, the leaves rustling on the trees. She could see the most insignificant detail in the carpet and the bedsheets. Blood was all over her shirt and arms up to her elbows but she didn't care. She felt so strong, so full of life! She laughed loudly and ripped the bathroom sink out. Then, she turned and kicked at the door. It flew off the hinges, crashing on top of a motorcycle parked below. _Oops, forgot that newborns can't control themselves_, thought Alice, feeling really ashamed.

Downstairs, a group of Hells Angels looked up and began running up the staircase, angry that the door had damaged their boss' bike. The boss had run to the bathroom to take a crap when Bella kicked the door out. She laughed hysterically as the fattest Angel pulled out a .45 and pointed it at her. She moved with speed she didn't even imagine was possible. Before he could blink, she yanked the gun from his hand and bopped him on the head with it. She then charged head-on into the other eight. It didn't matter that they outweighed her by a hundred pounds each – she might as well have been a Greyhound bus. Alice gaped. What have I done?! Bella laughed again and cackled: "Lestat, eat yer heart out!" She searched one unconscious Angel and found his bike keys and even better, a very nice chrome Python .357 with an 8" barrel. She took a long slurp of blood from him and Alice had to tear her off lest she drain him completely. The shortest one had a nice leather jacket. It was a tad loose but fit pretty well. Laughing, she leaped over the rail and landed on her feet.

She waited for the boss to show up. He gaped in shock. All his buddies were unconscious or bleeding all over. She shot at his feet and cackled "Dance fat boy!" He was confused but long enough for her patience to snap. She fired at his feet again. He immediately tap-danced and she laughed more and fired. The third shot missed him, hitting the window behind him. She fired again at his feet and again. Click-click. Oops, out of bullets. "Run!" she glared. He took off like the wind but she didn't feel like chasing him. Anyone else who was human would be amazed that 280-pound man could run so fast. She checked out his bike, a perfectly restored 1949 Harley Panhead with a custom seat and jet black paint job. She didn't even wait for Alice and cranked up the engine. Peeling out onto the street, she headed north. Alice had another vision. _Oh shit!_ If a vampire could pee its pants, Alice would have. For once, Alice wished she couldn't see the future because she didn't like what just popped into her head.

Bella was laughing the entire time, her eyes focused totally on the road in front of her. She marveled at how clear her vision was as she darted around cars and semis like a ballet dancer – ironic considering that was what she did as a little girl. An hour later, she found the dirt path and yanked hard on the bars, sticking her foot out to catch the ground. She downshifted, clearly remembering what Jacob taught her, and twisted the throttle back open hard, kicking up gravel.

Esme heard the roar the instant Bella turned onto the path leading to the house. She didn't even slow down. The bike smashed through the glass door, scaring poor Carlisle out of his skin. Rosalie ducked behind Emmett. Edward was so shocked by what he saw that he couldn't even move. "Eddie-kins, I'm hooome!"

Even though he was nearly a state away, Charlie heard Edward scream: "Aaaaaaliiiiiiice!!" From that day on, if vampires ever wondered what a living hell was, they'd simply ask Alice Cullen. And she received a LOT of visits from other curious covens for decades to come since Carlisle and Esme had her thrown back in the Shopaholics Anonymous program _again. _It would be about a year before she "sobered up." And the Amex card? American Express released a new uber-low interest card for shopaholics like her. Ironically, Alice was not given one since she was neatly locked up in Carlisle's hospital.

**A/N: nothing against the Red Bull company! It saved my heinie millions of times! And yes, the black American Express card is real. I've seen one.**

**Please review!**


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